Dr. Smacky's KapowJournal

I heard from this guy I know that there is an election happening for the role of President of the United States.

First of all, I am thrilled that this election is happening. My excitement can be described like an eagle looking at the American flag on his birthday.

Eagle: I love looking at this flag.
Flag: Isn't today your birthday?
Eagle: Where did you hear that?
Flag: I'm an American flag.
Eagle: I know.
Flag: I got you $20 in skee-ball tokens.
Eagle: 200 tickets wins you autographed picture of Ken Griffy Jr.

So who are you going to vote for in this hallowed election? I can help you like a man who got a dashboard compass as a Christmas present from his kids that used the dad's money to buy it thus making it like the dad bought the compass. He didn't technically buy the compass.

Seriously, the dad didn't literally walk into that aisle in the grocery store that has light bulbs and blank VHS tapes and put the compass into his cart. He took out his wallet/safe behind painting and gave his kids money to buy him a Christmas present.

This is what happened:

Kids: We got you a present.
Dad: Is it a compass?
Kids: Yes.
Dad: Did I give you the money for this?
Kids: Yes.
*the dad says nothing at this point. Instead, he starts chewing a piece of gum really fast*

Coming up next: Who to vote for and why?

I hope you're doing well. There's Smacky on the way.

Mel Gibson, best known for his controversial movie Lethal Weapon 4: The Passion of Joe Pesci, was arrested the other night for drunk driving.

According to witnesses, Gibby was at a bonfire with his old high school friends that hit on your fiancé and had a jug with three x’s on it. He pointed the jug at someone nearby (I think it was a point guard…or power forward) and said, “Guess what’s in this bottle?”

The choices were:

A) Delaware
B) Periodic Table
C) Booze
D) Salvation Army
E) Both C and B

The man answered ‘E’ and got an A+.

Here is a photograph taken moments before Mel shimmied his way into the car and drove off:


For more on the effects of alcohol, we now turn to the inventor of alcohol: Professor Alcohol.

Dr. Smacky: Thank you Professor Alcohol for taking some time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.
Professor Alcohol: I’m Prof. Alcohol. Come on everybody clap your hands to the beat of Prof. Alcohol.
Dr. Smacky: What are some effects of alcohol?
Professor Alcohol: CGI and green-screen magic.
Dr. Smacky: Anything else?
Professor Alcohol: Music and lyrics by your favorite divas.

Gibson was released on $5,000 bail and an autographed microfiche machine.

IN OTHER NEWS: I hate big business. It’s just so big. The other day I walked into a big business and asked the clerk, “Do you have business here?” He said, “No, we only sell big business.” I was so mad that I cut everyone from the traveling baseball team.

Weezer has announced via the World Wide Web and stock ticker that they have gone on “indefinite hiatus.” This news came moments after lead singer River Cuomo saw a meter reader walking through his backyard, causing his dog to bark.

“Hearing my dog bark just really made me think about the future of the band,” Cuomo said. “Dogs have been known to alert their masters when a burger is in the house…I mean burglar.”

At this point during the press conference, everyone kind of looked at the floor while Rivers regained his composure. He just said ‘burger’ instead of ‘burglar’ in front of everyone and this would be embarrassing for anyone.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow walked up to Rivers and said, “Hey, we all make mistakes,” and gave him a knowing glance.

Weezer has been a geek rock staple for well over a year now. In fact, there would be no such thing as geek rock without Weezer. Just the other day I saw bass player Brian Bell wearing these Capri pants that totally made him look like a geek.

“If my clothes were made out of adjectives, they would consist of 80% geek,” Bell proclaimed.

I’m not kidding or joking around at all about this. Take a look at a recent concert photo of Mr. Bell playing his infamous GeekSound® Baby Blue Bass™:



Rivers, a recent community college graduate with an associates degree in General Studies, began Weezer in 1998 to promote his new line of cologne and gentlemen’s grooming kits. After scoring a minor radio hit with the song “Surf Wax America,” a pro-war rally cry, Weezer embarked on a World Tour including stops in the Midwest and Rhode Island.

Now, after selling nearly 10,000 albums, The Weezer has decided to call it quits. I’m pretty sure drummer Pat Wilson is starting a solo project featuring songs about Dunkaroos. Stick with Dr. Smacky's KapowJournal for all the latest in Weezer and Dunkaroos news...you can use...Nick News W5.

IN OTHER NEWS: Stay hydrated because I heard from the toddler I left inside my car with the windows rolled up that it’s hot outside.

I love movies. Movies are magical. Savvy directors always add magic to their films. Some directors add a cup of magic. Others, like the makers of "Superman Returns," rented a truck from Home Depot and delivered several pallets of magic for a reasonable fee. This movie easily ranks among the top 3 magical movies ever made.

Here is an actual screen shot from the movie. Note the magic around the eyes and chin.



Ok, so the story of Superman Returns goes like this:

Clark Kent is a guy that works at the fair making funnel cakes when all of the sudden this comet hits the Earth somewhere near the Ferris wheel. Just before a whole pile of babies and dogs are killed by the comet, Clark walks over and says, "You babies and dogs are in some serious trouble because there's a comet right behind you."

The babies and dogs somersaulted out of the way, but Mr. Kent was hit by the comet and exploded into bumper car #6.

Just before he died, Lex Luthor went to the nearest Walgreens and bought the injured Clark a humidifier. I'm pretty sure this turned Clark Kent into Superman.

Superman soon realized he had powers that would make some guy who didn't have these powers say something like, "I want some powers." The powers Superman gained/finagled included abusing steroids and unwrapping a Starburst wrapper with his tongue.

Too bad his powers didn't include the ability to lower gas prices…am I right?!?! ATTENTION: THIS WAS AN EXAMPLE OF TOPICAL HUMOR.

Anyway, some girl named Lois Lane walks over to Superman to warn him that Lex Luthor is up to no good. The following is an actual conversation between the two characters:

Lois: Are you aware that Lex Luthor is the bad guy?
Superman: I didn't get a text message about that.
Lois: Lex Luthor wants to kill you.
Superman: Do you have cool ringtones?
Lois: Inspector Gadget Theme and Indiana Jones Theme.
Superman: I want your ringtones.

Pretty soon, Lex Luthor and Superman run into each other at Target. This was really awkward because they used to go to high school together but they weren't really friends other than in class.

The movie ends with Superman and his family moving into the candy factory.

Are you familiar with Thom Yorke? Sit on a bumper and let me tell you about this man and his new LP in an honest fashion.

Tommy Yorke is the lead singer/conductor of a band known by many people as “Radiohead.” Incase you've been living with a rock for the past 10 years, Radiohead is the band when it comes to making music that matters. Other bands use instruments on their “records.” Do you realize how old fashioned guitars are becoming? Well Thom Yorke does. That’s why he looks at a guitar and gets all itchy.

Radiohead uses computers to make their records. Specific programs include Number Munchers and Doom II in order to generate those sounds that make you feel like you know more about music than your stupid brother that likes bands that aren’t Radiohead. Some of their hit songs include “Hunting Bears” and “OK Computer.”

But now, Mr. Yorke Peppermint Patty has decided that he wanted to sit in a closet, by himself, and record a solo album, all alone. He wants to assure all of the fans of his quintet not to worry that Radiohead is breaking up. They’re not. I called Radiohead to confirm this and they said, “This is Radiohead and we’re fine.”

The new solo album, titled “The Eraser” is majestic. Like an eagle swooping down from the back of a quarter, this album has peaks and valleys that will take the listener on an adventure island II.

Can you believe how majestic Thom Yorke and his album is? Just look at the artwork!



It’s the guy from “Spy vs. Spy” pumping water out of his basement because it rained really hard last night. Who thinks of these things? THOM YORKE!

The title track, “The Eraser,” is the album’s title track. Thom Yorke believed in his mind that the title of this track would make for a good title. The song sounds like if you took The Clash mixed with Primitive Radio Gods, told them to become friends, and made a jingle for a new soft drink called “Eraser Cola.”

Next up is “Analyse.” I think they spelled analyze wrong. Hopefully nobody notices this. Anyway this song begins with a football coach describing a button hook left wide out play and ends with Hotwheels falling out of a toy box.

“The Clock” informs the listener how much time is left on the album so you can plan the rest of your day. One example of something you might need to do after the album is over would be picking up some pancake ingredients at the store.

Uh oh, it’s “Black Swan.” Okay, I’m not sure if I should mention this, but this song includes the ‘f’ word quite a few times. Some people call this the ‘f bomb,’ but in times of war, I find that phrase highly offensive. Can we say ‘f bomb pop’ instead? Ice cream can sooth the sore throat of war. THIS IS A POLITICAL STATEMENT BECAUSE I AM PART OF THE LIBERAL MEDIA!

“Skip Divided” is a song that makes you really listen to the lyrics. Lyrics are the most important part of the song and Thom Yorkshire Terrier is fully aware of this. Some of his lyrics include, “Girl I want to hold you in my arms and never let you go.” This is clearly a love song written about his best gal. (Hint: put this on a mixtape, fellas!)

I didn’t have time to listen to the next two tracks separately so I put them both on at the same time. I played this at a party and everyone went bananas. The two tracks are “Atoms for Peace” and “And it Rained All Night.” Oh man, that previous sentence has “and and” in it. That’s really awkward. Thom Yorke was obviously not considering those individuals who wouldn’t have enough time to listen to individual songs, listen to both songs, and write an album review. Two words Thom: NEGATIVE PRESS.

“Harrowdown Hill” is a song T.Y. contributed to the horror film “Harrowdown Hill” staring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Mr. Little Jeans. This song includes scary noises like doors creaking and a stranger walking around the kitchen. This song is rated PG-13 for scenes of violence and strong language.

And finally, the last song, “Cymbal Rush” is a 27 second recording of Thom checking his closet for vampires. You can hear him saying things like, “Are there any vampires in here?” and “Phew.” The albums ends with a half-hour of silence followed by someone coughing a lot.

To purchase the album, please visit your local Service Merchandise or Venture store location.

Let me get one thing clear: I do not smoke. I mean, Mortal Kombat 3 is a different story, but in general, cigarettes do not enter my mouth for puffing and/or blindfolded execution. But I will say, on the record with Greta van Sustren, that I am a non-smoker for smoker’s rights.

I like people that smoke. I’m not kidding at all when I say what I just said. When I see a person smoking a cigarette/corn cob pipe, I get a feeling in my heart that says, “That man looks like he’d be good at shingle placement.”

What really makes my eyes roll completely out of my head down the block is when some lady is all, “I can’t sit in the smoking section.” During this time, I wish I was a waiter so I can give her a menu that says, “You are banned from the restaurant” under the a la carte menu. Then, I would I would offer her the soup of the day, which happens to be Cream of Swisher Sweets.

So please, the next time you see a human being just sitting around having a cigarette on a porch, either offer them a light or bow out gracefully.

My office is on the verge of a humidity explosion. Details to follow.

If this live journal was an out of control lawn that hasn't been mowed for a week because I was on vacation, consider it mowed.

I have a strange feeling that I'm about to win some sort of contest. Hopefully I'll have a platform to stand on. This platform should have the correct height, weight, and odor. Detailed instructions are as follows:

1. 15 feet high.
2. 6 cubits wide.
3. steamy mulch smell.

Once the contest winner alarm goes off, I will stand on the platform with correct posture and balance for a medal presentation that includes Razor Ramone on drums and a tea kettle exploding out of a kitchen window.

Guys, the case has been blown wide open. I'm so happy to report this that I flirted with a statue of an indian I found in a park on my way home from work.

Remember Richard Nixon? He was a president at one point. While the time period of his reign of presidentialilty is unknown (or as we say in the business: T.B.A.) we do know that Nix did some bad things involving documents.

These documents had signatures on them. Keep this in mind.

Enter two star reporters, Woodward and Bernstein. They knew these documents were up to no good, and Rix Nix was behind it all. The following is a conversation held between Wood and Bern.

Woodward: Did you hear about these documents?
Bernstein: Yeah, I know of some documents...
Woodward: I play basketball in the winter.
Bernstein: Behind-the-back slam?
Woodward: I pivot, jump, and slam the basketball into the net.
Bernstein: Get me Deep Throttle.
Woodward: You mean Deep Throat.
Bernstein: Sounds good, you bring the whistle.

Then, an event beyond words happened: Watergate. This is when Bernstein and Deep Throat broke into a hotel and used the pool and exercise equipment. Woodward waited in the car with some apple slices.

Bernstein was charming. He charmed everyone in the hotel. He playfully snapped towels and laughed in a nervous/everything's fine manner.

AND NOW...THE IDENTITY OF DEEP THROAT IS REVEALED.

IDENTITY OF DEEP THROAT: JOHNNY CAGE.

Ok, back to the basketball news.

Okay, I've written things before, and now I'm going to write a detailed review of Indie-anapolis darlings "The Arcade Fire." The members of this group are darlings.

The media will be the first to tell you The Arcade Fire are darlings, and they are right in their statements of truth. Each member of this rock combo can play instruments or sing using their tonsils in a stiff manner.

Their latest LP, Funeral, is like the former-Celtics center Robert Parish wearing double-zero, it's cool.

The album kicks off with french horns flying at you from all directions in a "look out, french horn hitting your teeth in two seconds" sort of way. The vocals are fragile and filled with packing-peanuts.

The next song, Neighborhood #2, is the album's ballad. This ballad, when looked at closely, will make you remember things in your past. Like trips to the dentist and accidentally putting socks on the wrong way so the ankle part of the sock sticks out above your toes.

Ok, there's two other songs with "Neighborhood" in the title. Writer's block is a musician's cross to bear and you cannot blame them.

Then some other instruments happen. I think they include a siren and a mouth-harp. Some sort of whistling trio closes out track 6.

Rebellion (or Lies...but come on, how about another neighborhood song?) is the best song on the CD because it's the one with the most artistry in it. This man took a paint brush, dipped it in chocolate notes, and served it in a waffle-cone. There is so much art to this song that it makes this artist I know think out loud, "I'm an artist and I know this art is beyond the words written in history."

Last song time. It's "The Backseat." This song is about driving to the store to pick up some foil to make those potatoes I like so much, and then BAM! Car crash. The car crashed into a lake of artists.

These guys are artists. ARTISTS!

BRAND NEW NEVER BEFORE SEEN POPE!

This new pope can hold up to 20 gigs of music and has a battery life of 6-8 hours.

He comes in an attractive silver, scratch resistant casing and is available in a special limited edition U2 model.

Tips on how to handle your pope.

-Never submerge your pope in water
-Keep pope out of direct sunlight
-Magnets hurt the pope's hard drive
-BBQ, Mild, or Spicy sauces available upon request

Oh pope, how I love you.
You are the best pope.
You're a pope with mag wheels
and a reversible jersey.

Guys, I need to bring something to your attention.

Last night I called my nephew and he told me that he stole everything out of my house.

When I asked him why he did it, he told me, "Because you're a band uncle." (I'm pretty sure he meant to say "bad uncle." I'm not in the band...but I do march in formation while carrying a trumpet at high school swim meets.)

My nephew looks like me, only he's nine years old and he wears sweaters with wolves on them. These wolves are most likely howling at the moon.

He also enjoys crafts of all kinds involving dowel rods.

Also, black is the new black in fashion this summer.

Everyone sit down with your hands folded neatly and read this story:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Associated Press
Published March 31, 2005, 10:32 AM CST

SAN DIEGO -- This mugger was left holding a bag he didn't really want.

Police said they were searching for a gunman who ran up to a woman while she was walking her dog Monday night and grabbed the bag she was holding. It contained poop.

When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust, pointed his gun at the 32-year-old woman and demanded money, San Diego police detective Gary Hassen said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Okay, you're probably thinking, "Oh a story about poop...that's hilarious."

No, it isn't hilarious...at all.

What IS funny is that some reporter had to write a story about dog poop. Can you imagine coming home to your wife after writing a story about dog poop?

Reporter: "Hey honey! Guess what?! I got a big story today!"

Wife: Oh darling! What did you write about? Terri Shiavo's death? The Pope's health condition?

Reporter: Better...it's a story about stealing dog poop!

Wife: I'm going to uppercut your entire body off.


Some reporter made money for writing about dog poop. When he gets his paycheck and buys bread or salad dressing at the store for dinner (salad dressing sandwiches), he'll have a pooping dog to thank.

Some editor had to edit a story about dog poop.

Some guy in San Diego spent the only 25 cents in his pocket to buy a newspaper that contained a story about dog poop.

Thank you, pooping dog, for providing San Diego, and the rest of the United States of America, news about dogs pooping and criminals stealing dog poop.

Today I was challenged by a homeless person to write a hit play using only two characters and three lines. The play is titled "Robot Dinosaur Partnership in America"


***the scene is at a lake of some kind. There may or may not be a photographer wearing footie-pajamas in the background eating his lunch, but he is not a character. Only the robot and dinosaur are characters***


Robot: I wish I could go swimming, but I am a robot powered by a 20 foot extension cord.

Dinosaur: If you don't jump into this lake right now, we can never get married because I am a dinosaur with gills and can only breathe water.

*robot jumps into lake*

Robot: Even though this means my certain death, my love for you has chosen my fate of robot/dinosaur marriage.


*curtain falls...then rises again...and falls for the last time. This curtain will have a picture of John Stockton (Mr. Assist) taped onto it.

I had a sandwich with my grandpa today. He's 74 years old. Jazz has no affect on him.


Elvis Costello has got to be the most disappointing name in the history of the world.


Jack: Hey man, you want to listen to some Elvis...

Steven: Elvis? Sure! I've heard from local radio personalities that he's the king!

Jack: Uhhh...I meant Elvis Costello.

Steven: Oh. In that case, get out of my apartment before I kill you with a Rad Racer cartridge.


Vote no on Elvis Costello. He has views on the war in Iraq and abortion that disagree with yours.

Movie Review: Hitch.

Okay, the movie starts out with Will Smith eating a hamburger with some girl. Since he's so smooth, he offers her discarded pickles and a sip of his Coke.

Enter Kevin James. He is in love with a movie star that looks like Courtney Cox if she got hit by a truck carrying lit bunsen burners. He has no idea how to impress her so he asks for Will Smith (aka Ol' Hitchie) for advice. Hitch proceeds to rub James' shoulders while whispering in his ear that everything was going to be alright. He begins to feel curious/hungry.

Then Will Smith kicks some girl in the face whilst in the middle of Lake Tahoe. This is what theater scholars would call the "climax" of the movie.

Some other stuff happens. I think Hitch kills a dog with a sword at some point. There's also a scene where Kevin James falls off a ladder and onto a dog walking by. This makes two dead dogs within twenty minutes.


In other news, I smell like the inside of a wallet.

I'm going to be selling KAPOW! t-shirts. This is what the t-shirt will say:

Front side: KAPOW!
Back side: I already said KAPOW!

Now, I know what the kids want these days, and it's t-shirts that have the oh-so vintage look. So here is what the "vintage tees" will sport:

"Vintage T-shirts are cool...but I don't want to be seen in a Salvation Army because only poor people shop there. So, I'll buy this t-shirt for thirty dollars from Urban Outfitters instead. That way, I can still look cool without having to shell out sixty cents to pay for a real vintage t-shirt and maintain my indie image while still getting girls who dig the "rockstar" guy that can really only play about a minute of "Curbside Prophet" by Jason Mraz on their older brother's acoustic guitar....and oh yeah...KAPOW!

These t-shirts will be pre-washed, pre-faded, pre-pit stained, and coffee-splotched for your enjoyment.

Sizes will be available.

Last night I took some root beer and held the can with my thumb covering the word "root."

So this guy walk's up to me and says, "When did Barq's start making real beer?"

"Ohhhhh I don't know...maybe NEVER BECAUSE I'M COVERING UP THE PART THAT SAYS ROOT WITH MY THUMB!!!!"

Then I slapped the man using all five fingers and a palm.

Yesterday I was yelling at some kids having fun and a clock fell on my head. Then it hit the ground and the radio turned on. This is how I'll be powering up the radio from now on.

Today I've decided to rock harder than I ever have before. Therefore, I will be accepting all competitors coupons and beating their price by 10%.

El Doctor de Smacky III.

I have all the Fleer Rookie Cards from 1995.

Yes, that includes the HOLOGRAM PACKS!

KAPOW! I sleep with them all stapled together like a blanket. Ken Griffey Jr. is located towards the edge of the blanket.